Logfile: Icarus
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I've kept this blog up for nearly 2 years now, or damn near approching it. I have it mostly to tinker with some things, and I store all of my images that I post with my webspace. I havent updated for a long time, mainly, because like many other people I know, some of who also have trouble finding time to update their blog, have been sailing through a massive shit storm with no end in sight. The difference between me and them, is that they can trace their problems back to more recent histories, within a few months or so, with me that is not so. My problems extend farther than the last despondent blog post, no, I fear this site was actually born of it.
2 years since I began to seriously write, 1 year of it promising, with some of the best writing I've gotten done to date, but it came slowly, undisciplined I have let it lapse, I've done next to nothing in the proceeding year. 2 years since my life has slid into decline, not a day since all of this started has anything gone right. People who know me well enough might tell you I slightly exagerate, they would be wrong, its like living in a nightmare.
Not quite 2 years since my father died, and unexpected shock and a huge loss to me, but not the first or last of my problems. The stress of it has probably destroyed my academic career to an extent, God knows theres some work to be done there now to correct my failings. I simply couldnt care enough about school, at least not physically. Its ended with me failing classes that anyone could have breezed through, and the whole time I sat by dispassionately as things fell apart around me, I've been screaming on the inside the whole time.
I've had a decent enough job, certainly enough to put a dent into the overwhelming cost required to going to university. Sadly two things have hampered this, one is my tendency to spend money on frivalous things. Nothing too expensive, its a dollar here, or a dollar there, and it doesnt seem like much at the time, but it always adds up. When thats said in done, I have the people I live with. I cant call them family (except for Sam), my life with them, especially since my fathers death has been horrible. They're only concerned with there next ciggarete or beer, among the least of their offenses. I keep pouring my money out for one thing here, one thing there, when they know I cant afford it, they wont help me later on. When I leave this filthy cardboard box I've had to call my home, I'll probably never come back.
Right now, I wake up every day to the same feeling, the most awful feeling in the entire world. I dread sleeping because it means I have to wake back up to the same routine again, I've become a slob who rarely leaves home except to work, and even then not as much as I should. The only thing I can still say I have of any value is my best friend, who I've somehow managed to retain against all odds in the last year, and watching him leave to school without me was a blow, to my ego and my pride. He and his family have always treated me better than I deserve, but these days I feel I've let him down and, that maybe, they dont like me quite as much anymore. It shames me, and probably serves me right, as my actions dont just bring me down, but everyone around me, I can only hope my appologies are enough to reconcile my mistakes.
Most people will save their New Year's resolutions for january, experience has taught me that anything I put off till tommorow will never get done, my life is 2 years behind for it. I've wrote this in the early morning, so that when I wake up I can get started. I'm going to wake up and leave this house, do something different, im going to come home and write, and not idle around wasting my time. I'm going to call my best friend, not message him. I'm going to smile, and find some reason to mean it for a change, when I wake up I have to really start living again, this year will be my last chance to finally start school, and get moving in the right direction again.
When I wake up im going to turn some heads, its a brand new age.
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Bullet: Dodged?
School year is over, with the exception of finals. Any attempts to further influence my grade are gone, I'm outside the circle of my influence, however, a final inspection of my grades showed that when the dust settles, I'll be passing everything, unless I bomb finals, and I know quite well that I wont.
With that off my chest I feel 1000 times better, the truth is, I dont have time to be resting, there are other things to be tending to, in preperation of the upcoming move to Phoenix, University application, Student Aid, etc..., but quite frankly I have a weekend without work or looming school projects hanging over my head, and the feeling is Glorious.
With all that BS, its time to talk about games again, oh yes, the games.
The 360 launched well over half a year ago and still shows no sign of......stoping? I think not, yet another mediocre display of horsepower without proper 3rd party support, good game Microsoft, the only difference between you and Sega was that they couldnt afford to fail twice, thanks for proving that a powerful omni-corperation and push a lifeless course through the dust till they cross the finish line in last.
Nintendo is a wonderful company, they're kind of like a PHD student dropping out right before he graduates to join the circus.
As a Clown.
The revolution started out as a simple home entertainment unit, which made me happy, I dont expect my systems to mow the lawn or cook breakfast. Then they went and made a MONUMENTAL mistake, they made there controller resemble a goddamn remote control. Back in the day pulling this sort of shit would break a company, I honestly thought Nintendos wild days of fire were over when old man Yamamuchi was disposed, but clearly I was wrong, maybe he was the only true sanity left in that cold building of neverending despair. This is exactly what I was thinking, as well trying to come to terms with the new controller, telling myself that things would work out better than I though, like with the DS.
Then there was "WII"
I give up on them, I'll let Link buy their shit, I've had it up to here with them, figuritively speaking, as I know you cant see how hard I'm straining to stretch my hand up to the sky.
As for sony, well, their system looks like a Grill, and their controller looks like a boomerang, outsourced to Australia? perhaps, will I buy it? no doubt. but so help me if I go through 5 of the damn thngs like I have with the PS2 I will burn their goddamn building down and piss on the ashes.
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Deadlines
Anyone who knows me can say with assurance that I am the laziest man alive.
Aside from not having the willpower to reach over and flip a light switch I have the unique talent of being able to wait until the last possible minute to get things done, usually this results in me writing brilliant papers (and sometimes not so brilliant papers) in the span of maybe two hours.
Which of course, brings me to our point.
Theres a book review of which I have only read 4 chapters, which is enough to finish, and I have a headstart of 1 page, being that its due tommorow at 1 O'clock I dont have much to worry about. Still there are other concerns, I am pulling through every class just fine but this one, one I considered the easiest and put it aside to focus on the harder ones. Now, several due dates have passed me up, on minor things of course, but a lot of minor things add up. So, after I turn in my assignment tommorow I'm going to speak with the good Dr. about showing some leniancy on them, if it were any other teacher I would probably be worried right now, but I know him, and I have faith that he'll understand, I am going to graduate after all.
Right?
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Anizona 2k6
So yeah, that Anizona thing.
We're going again this year, I think. The guest list isnt quite as impressive as last year, in fact I'm not sure anyone from japan is going to be anywhere near the convention, but the atmosphere at a convention is worth it, and 800+ enthusiasts tucked into one hotel tend to find things to do, so I doubt we'll be bored, and if things get a little stale, we'll just go crash one of the many room parties.
Not that everything is quite planned, Erin doesnt have the time off yet, and we dont have a driver. Erin has insisted several times that I be the one that drive, but having witnessed the conditions in Phoenix many a time, I have informed her that I will not be responsible for getting us all killed on the devils interstate (The clans still tell tales of the time about 6 of us crammed into a vehicle with Link and drove to cube club, the madness that ensued is legendary, such tales as "Theres no such thing as 31st street avenue give the goddamn map to Ken" and "Oh shit Nick this is a one way street in the other direction!"). These hallowed tales only scratch the surface, regardless, I still think it will work out.
There are a few site issues I'm going to try to address later this week:
1.My knowledge of CSS is lacking, I need to figure out how to make the margins universal to all resolutions and browsers, between firefox and Link's widescreen-I-have-too-much-fucking-money laptop I cant get the blog to display quite as I have intended it to.
2. New tagboard is going up, its hosted offsite so no session-based comments, there will simply be one comment/tag area.
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Ephemerality
Did you ever have that feeling, the one that hits you right before sleep? The darkness is very soothing and you can feel your body slowly getting heavier, and in the back of your mind you can hear music.
The only thing I can see right now is the glow of the monitor, the music in my ears is very calm, I've turned down the volume to a less abupts level for my headphones, I've modestly recreated that natural fantastic feeling before rest. This false synathesia is my favorite part of the day, I wish I could bear with it just a few minutes more, but soon I'll sleep once again when weariness comes to claim me, will I dream? I often wonder. Its been a long time since I've had one that meant anything.
That indecision, that uncertainty.
That's where the morning will find me. My eyes will not open, I will not sit up, it will be 5 minutes before my alarm clock goes off, and my whole body aches. Not with the final shakes of slumber, but with genuine pain, the calm peaceful moment I've been living in is gone, and part of me died, 1 dream of 1,000, shattered.
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I bet she fucks like a tiger
They totally cut that line from this version, and that makes me sad.
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New look same great taste
Finally got around to switching the site from a straight-up HTML interface to a CSS template, which although it isnt amazingly better than before, lacks the clutter brought on be the Scroll bars from the old design.
Sadly I'm leaving for work in a few minutes so I cant expand greatly on my recent happenings, I did get a raise at work which is awesome, but hardly worth it considering I dont have any free time on my weekends anymore. The Tag-board which I keep saying I'll get around to fixing still isnt up and I doubt it will be anytime soon, I may just drop it seeing as no one ever really used the old one, but until I decide what to do about it the moogle link will stay up.
I do however still want to have a photo gallery of some sort so I may just sign up for an album site like flickr and host everything on someone elses server, and save myself the trouble.
P.S. I'm not stealing this background texture, it was mine Waaaaaaaaaay before Link had it.
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Safe bets
It's been a while since I've discussed more entertaining pursuits, there has been more important things going on. However I've found just a foot hold during my christmas break (Mind you VERY small) to enjoy myself, let me present you with my Diversions.
To start with is some of the anime I've been watching. buying it straight of the shelves is outrageously expensive, and most of it is old news by the time it hits our shores, so in the last 2-3 years I've taken to watching fansubs instead so I have a steady supply of recent anime coming in. The first series that I actually downloaded en masse was Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex, and Chobits, both of the excellent watchs (But be sure to watch chobits in japanese, american VA's are not so hot.) and I've blown through various series since then, currently I'm watching only two, Bleach (which is going to be the next Yu Yu Hakusho I think, especially towards the episode count) and Rozen Maiden: Traumend.
Now the first title is easy to understand, big swords, mystical powers, and new levels of strength being reached each week, standard DBZ model with a somewhat decent/entertaing plot. The second however is much harder for most people to understand I'm sure. Rozen Maiden, for those of you unfamiliar, is an Anime about Dolls.
Jesus stop laughing.
Annnnnyyyyways, as fruity as the concept sounds it really does work, the original season followed the life of Jun, a boy left traumatized by a failure at school so much so that hes afraid to leave his home, and spends all day ordering various garbage of the internet and then returning it. One day Jun ends up ordering one of the mysterious Rozen Maiden, after placing the order inside his desk drawer for laughs, he turns around to find that the package had mysteriously arrived, and inside it was a childlike doll named Shinku with the airs of a lady and a vicious streak a mile wide. The pair are attacked without warning, and Shinku forces Jun to become her medium, and her servant in order to protect him, and from that day onward they live together and slowly overcome Juns fear as well as participate in the mysterious Alice Game.
I really did find the series very heartwarming despite myself. The humor is rarely laugh out loud funny, but it never fails to make me crack a smile, and the drama is touching dealing with juns sense of fear over self worth, abandonment, and criticism. The bonds that form between the characters feel human and they resonate on a very real level.
Now the second season, Traumend (German for dreaming) focuses more on the events of the Alice Game, its not finished yet but I will say the action content is slightly higher without actually sacrificing any of the elements that made the first season awesome, except maybe sacrificing some of Juns problems, but as you might have guessed hes mostly dealt with them by season 2.
To top things off I'd like to mention DQ VIII a little, I wont go into huge depth until I've beaten it I think, but for now I think BT's post of the subject is pretty adequate. It's an amazing game, I can feel how great it is despite how jaded I've become. With a few changes this could have easily been a true sequel to CT, I hope SE is listening, I hope they see that this kind of thing holds some real potential.
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Happy New year
Welcome to the first post of 2006. The archive page is in place, and I've cleared the main page to make room for a new year's worth of ranting. I'm fickle and ended up changing the front page again, but I think it looks kind of nice, and not to shabby for someone whose never touched photoshop before. Its very late as I'm writing this, but I'll make another post this weekend, we're probably going to talk about 'teh' Dragon Quest VIII, and maybe I'll get around to fixing the tagboard by then.
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